In A Flash


In A Flash

Flash was born premature.
Now, he suffers a sad plight
he hoped would never last.

No matter how much he fights
to control himself, he always
finishes everything too fast.

He went to the movies on a date.
When an actress screamed fire
he steamed out like a percolator.

Now he is the loneliest guy in town.
Cause all the single girls realize
Flash is a premature evacuator.

Happy week.

Keep smiling.  Keep writing.


Do you Have A Super Power?


Since he will be WordPressing less often, Lonely Author decided to have some fun and return to his blogging roots (yes that means occasionally talking in third person). Part of his roots was to ask a weekly question.

During that difficult period of his life detailed in When My Wife Became My Hero, Lonely Author often posted the Pinky Batman image in his old Facebook page or flashed it to Mrs. Lonely Author to signify it was time to toughen up.

So, while Allie was pulling miracles, Lonely Author still recovering from his accident became the cheerleading Pinky Batman.

All us have been heroes at one point or another.

On several occasions Allie has had premonitions of future events. Allie also has a super powerful nose that can pick up all sorts of scents (including bad poetry). Thus the Chimp plays it safe by bathing twice a day, uses good cologne, and brushes his teeth after every meal (and some day he expects he will be required to do it during meals).

Lonely Author has the super power of charming birds out of trees.  But they usually poop on him, so not sure if that really counts.

Do you have a super power?

Which super hero are you?

The Spy Who Loves You


The Spy Who Loves You

I sauntered into the royal casino so grand
me a tuxedo chimp so suave and debonair
prepared for a night of dangerous espionage
cause scoundrels were lurking everywhere

I studied the environment to make my move
my instincts led me to the only seat untaken
burly Bartender asked “what’s your poison?”
I smiled, “Chocolate milk stirred not shaken”

a sexy lady crossed long legs that led to paradise
“My name is Sugar Ann Spice and I’m feeling blue”
I flashed a smart smile, “Author, Lonely Author
tonight, lucky lady I’ll be the spy who loves you”

With a wink I suggested a game of naked Twister
would she be interested in taking an odd chance
she admired a roll of silver dollars in my pocket
and dared to ask if that was a gun in my pants

Oh what a painful double cross for Chimpy me
how could this super spy Chimp possibly know?
he imagined wild passions with Sugar Ann Spice
instead this sexy siren turned out to be Dr. No


Warning  to my friends: There are many things I share with my wife Allie.  This Friday April 8th we celebrate our birthdays.  This week the Chimp will be borderline giddy. You can expect to find silly comments on your blogs throughout the week.

Photo from Google Images


Lonely Author: My First Pedicure


“You never had a pedicure?” Stunned, my wife and daughter stared at me.

Maybe the Chimp needed to get in touch with his feminine side.

Coming home from my doctor’s appointment, I journeyed into a beauty salon.

To ignore the strange looks from the women I picked up a magazine.  Apparently, Caitlyn Jenner doesn’t feel like a woman anymore.

A tiny Asian woman led me to chair that stood above a tub. Removing my sneakers, socks, and rolling up my jeans, I sank my feet into the warm water.

I could get used to this.

I started clever salon conversation. “Are you excited about the new season of ‘The Voice?’”

The thin woman next to me made awful sounds with her gum as if she learned to chew by watching cattle grazing.

Forget the conversation.

This Chimp knows there’s no greater turn off than a man with crusty nails. So, there wasn’t much for the old lady to do there.

The old lady started rubbing some grating apparatus against my heel. When she moved to the bridge of my foot….

Quickly withdrawing, I yelled, and leapt out of my seat.

The entire salon turned to look at me.

“I’m ticklish.”

Returning my hoof to the old lady, I ignored a room full of shaking heads and rolling eyes.

Biting my lip, she continued on that sweet spot.

At this moment I knew men are the weaker sex; child birth, monthly cramps, pedicures, raising immature husbands.

Women are built to stand excruciating torture.

No wonder why I couldn’t keep a woman. I submitted them to this cruel torture.

Minutes later she massaged my foot with a fragrant cream.  It actually made me a little drowsy.

Two quick taps on my foot.

Some relaxing Oriental massage trick.

Two more taps.

A salon full of women yelled in unison, “She wants the other foot.”

How humiliating.

She painted my toe nails with a clear enamel although a cream colored French manicure may have gone well with my Earth tone eyes.

An hour later, I entered my apartment.

Leaving my shoes and socks on the welcome mat, I stood before my wife and daughter. Then, I truly got in touch with my feminine side.

No one noticed my lovely pedals.

I truly knew how it felt to be a woman; an unappreciated flower.

Alas, getting in touch with my feminine side wasn’t what I thought it would be.

Perhaps, next time I want to get in touch with my feminine side I could get a Brazilian Wax.




Living With Lonely Author


Imagine Lonely Author is single, you and I are starting a relationship…..yeah I want to brush your hair, paint your toe nails, meet your friends, watch TV and movies with you, massage your feet, take you shoe shopping, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…

No, it’s not all bananas and roses…

To be fair and balanced, here is a list of the complaints from old girlfriends, wives, and Allie.

1- Chimp loves to spoon. Not a problem? Well, I have a bad sinus problem so I SNORE. To give you an idea, while on a long distance flight to visit a girlfriend a stewardess woke me up because “my snoring scared the other passengers.”
2- Flirting. Last year prior to my surgery, with Allie standing by my side, I invited a nurse to go bowling with us after surgery. (If you’re the jealous type you have to let me know, so I can tone it down).
3- This may bother some ladies; I need a tissue to watch some movies. Seriously, did Leo have to the die in the freezing water?? Couldn’t Kate scoot over just a bit?  Bitch.
4- Disorganized work space.
5- I help with ALL chores, including laundry, but I hate folding. Don’t ask me to fold. Also if I pull a t-shirt from the bottom of the drawer where you left everything neatly folded, good chance it won’t be as neat as you left it.
6- I talk to myself to rehearse dialogue. Done it in the street, on the train, etc.  I’ve received many smacks from butterflies (including my daughter) for doing so.
7- This drives me absolutely insane. Serious conversations & dinner dates are cell phone-less. I need eye contact. You can blog, text, DM, Facebook, or twitter your booty off, but I refuse to talk to the back of your phone.
8- Overprotective (not in that clingy creepy way). You have all the freedom in the world to go out as often as you want with whomever you want. Chimp is secure enough to not fret about that. But he will worry about your safety.
9- I worry. Years ago, I lost my parents (my only family). I don’t want to lose anyone else.
10- At bedtime, before my head touches the pillow, I’m asleep. So any question you ask will be answered with a LOUD – See number 1.
11- I need time for blogging & writing.
12- I remove your shoes. Please respect this.
12- Terrible at saving.
14- Will jump at anyone who says anything bad about you. Back when I had a Facebook page, a cousin once said something hurtful to Allie about how an outfit fit her. I responded with several nasty comments that ripped her cousin to shreds. I have no mercy with bullies or anyone who attacks someone’s insecurities.
15- When we go out I need to see you wear lipstick or gloss whatever you prefer. (Make up is up to you).



Lonely Author Can’t Get Enough Sex


Haha.  I figured that would make you peek.

Actually, I considered posting a naked selfie, but I couldn’t find my wide angle lens.

Gone one freaking day. One freaking day.  And WordPress has gone bonkers.

I read some posts today between chapters of my novel. Now, I am trying to respond to your comments back to me.

And I can’t comment on your comments. They’re stifling the Chimp.

Forget about Supreme Court conspiracies…they are monkeying around with me.

So, I changed my blogging habits to tend to my butterflies.

But I don’t want my blogging butterflies to think I am ignoring them.

So, I don’t know when I will be able to respond to you.

Please feel free to think of something witty or downright dirty and attribute it to me. (For those of you who choose to have the dirty thoughts, please feel free to forward them to me at your earliest convenience.  Your nasty thoughts are important to me.  They will be responded to in order of dirtiness and treated as priority.)

Nighty night.

Oh, you see the attached pic.  It proves I can multi-task.

Shit, I bit my tongue.  Forget about the multi-tasking.


Supermarket Sin


Supermarket Sin

We exchanged long glances
in cereal, aisle seventeen
she inspected granola bars
it was Lucky Charms for me
she admired my choice
it made me quite ambitious
In my sexiest voice I whispered
they’re magically delicious

unimpressed she went her way
but this chimp never quits
before I chased after her
I picked up AppleBits
she gave a dirty look in produce
did she consider me a felon
I gazed at her so lovingly
As she squeezed her juicy melons

she began to fondle the dry nuts
it made me a little queasy
she smiled at this blushing chimp
does she think that I’m so easy
she picked up a forbidden fruit
and flashed her bad girl smile
nothing beats supermarket sin
unless it’s love in the produce aisle

Last week after my post “Just Dessert” I got into a conversation with my friend Sandra of what Sandra thinks. The following day she posted a short story entitled “dessert first” which was written in a supermarket.  Our crazy conversation led to me offering to write a poem about love in a supermarket.  Here is the link to Sandra’s piece.

dessert first.

Photo borrowed from Google Images.